If you have read my book, you’ll know all that I went through. “Abused…It Is What It Is”. I didn’t put in there how at times I wanted to kill myself or how I almost walked away from everything. I feel that since they really weren’t part of the “abuse” I went through that it shouldn’t have been put in there. But the more I think about it, the more I realize it should have been. It would have put me more in the human side of things to realize that since I didn’t have the answers, and I still don’t, that you’d understand how I felt during and/or after.
You see, I was 7 when the first round of sexual abuse started. I didn’t know it was abuse. I thought it was normal, that every family “loved” that way. When I became a teenager, around 14 or so, I realized how dumb I really was in believing he “loved” me when he was having sex with me. I found out that it was the wrong way to show a child love.
So, when I was watching my niece and nephew for my oldest sister, I wanted to die. I even had a knife ready to slit my wrists. Our brother was in the army and he wasn’t around, but that night he called. He asked for our sister, and I told him that they were out on a date night. He asked me what I was doing as he felt “compelled” to call her place. I told him nothing. Like most teenagers, nothing means something and most times those something’s are BIG. Well, I thank God every day that he didn’t believe me.
He talked to me for about an hour before I broke down and told him what I was going to do. He was so pissed off at me. He started yelling at me, and then he got real quiet. I think that scared me more than him yelling. I mean our mother and her husband yelled all the time, so him yelling was nothing.
He got so quiet that I got scared. He said, well if you are going to kill yourself, don’t do it in our sisters home. He told me that she didn’t need to clean up my mess. And since I was babysitting, I should wait until the babies were safely cared for. He then proceeded to tell me how to slit my wrist so that I couldn’t be brought back. He said if I was going to do it, to do it right and be done with it. But he asked that I call him before I do. He said that he’d like to say good-bye to me as I was his baby sister and he loved me.
Well, needless to say, I didn’t do it. Instead, I cried! No one told me they loved me in a very long time, without having sex with me first.
We finally ended the call and I went and put the knife back. I thought he was right. Our sister didn’t need the mess and she had entrusted me to care and protect her children, how could I leave those babies unprotected if I had killed myself.
So, I didn’t.
Years later, I’m married, have 3 children of my own, and the thought comes again. You see, this husband (now ex-husband) abused me sexually too (other forms of abuse too, but for now I just want to stick with the sexual aspect of it.) If I just kill myself my children will be better off without me, my family, I have no friends so that didn’t matter. Being married to this man had alienated me from everyone. He kept telling me that I was worthless, that I couldn’t do anything right, from having sex with him to taking care of our children, nothing. He didn’t know why I was still alive.
I thought of many ways to kill myself. A gun—I thought I wouldn’t be able to pull the trigger; a knife—too messy and I didn’t want to leave a mess behind; poison—but where would I do it? I didn’t want my babies to find me. I didn’t want that on them.
So, again, I didn’t.
I know I thought I had it bad, that no one would understand or even care. I thought I don’t matter so what would it matter if I lived or died? I never once thought about others.
Take my children for instance… What would have happened to them if I died? Who would love them? Tuck them into bed at night? Check their room for scary monsters? Who would do the girls hair the way they wanted it done? Who would love my son who was already a mess, the way I do? No one. That’s who!
Many times I thought about just walking away from my life, pretending I have amnesia or something and starting over. Not to avoid taxes or debts, but because I felt unloved, unworthy, lonely. And I thought starting over or as someone else that I’d find love, I’d be worthy, and that I wouldn’t be lonely anymore.
I am ever so thankful I never killed myself or walked away from my children. I wouldn’t have what I have today. I have a wonderful husband, 3 great kids and they gave me 4 beautiful grandchildren.
I may not like my job, but it helps pay the bills. I have a reason to get up every morning between the job, my husband, my children, and grandchildren. I have things to look forward to NOW. Even if my kids do make me crazy, I still love them and want the best for them and their children.
I beg you, DON’T DO IT! Don’t kill yourself! Think of your family, current or future ones. You don’t know what the future will hold, I didn’t.
I didn’t, and still don’t know, why I was put on this earth. But I will live until I die naturally to find out! Lol.
I want to make a difference in someone’s life or lives. I want to inspire, motivate, and to make others happy.
I know what it’s like to feel lonely, to feel worthless, unloved. I understand! But killing yourself will be killing your future family, maybe even stopping it from being something BIG, like a president or someone who changes everything! Maybe they make it in the hall of fame! But no matter what life throws at you, or me, FIGHT! Work through it. If you can’t do it alone, find someone to help you, to listen to you, to be there with you.
Sometimes, it helps to talk to strangers who has no vested interest other than helping you.
So I ask you, I beg you, I plead with you before you commit suicide and can’t come back, seek help. Talk to someone, professional or friend.
May you find peace within. May you find that love starts with YOU first. Yes, it’s true. I had to love ME before I could love life enough to stay and fight. You can too!