Domestic Violence

Water Under The Bridge

I have many people tell me that the abuse I went through is all water under the bridge. Yes it is true, it is done and gone. However, sometimes I feel like I’m standing on the bridge looking down at the reflection and I don’t like what I see. I see the pain and anguish in the face reflecting back at me. I see a hurt and diminished person. And all I can think is maybe if I just jumped it’d be better. If I just went under the water that the bridge is over that I would feel something, anything! Or better yet, NOTHING.

The storm clouds above make it easy to remember the pain, feel the loneliness. The choppy water under the bridge makes me think of rocking. How I loved the feeling of being rocked in a rocking chair.

Then I remember that I’m not there any longer. The woman I used to be is gone. She is no longer a victim of abuse. She got out. I got out! I am no longer a VICTIM! I am a survivor. I am stronger than that woman looking at the water under the bridge. STRONGER! ALIVE!

Not many people understand the pain I feel, the loneliness I feel, the shame. I stayed, I let my children get hurt by this person. I ALLOWED IT! In fact, I enabled it! But I didn’t know! I promise, I didn’t know!

Now that I do know, now that I understand and see things more clearly, I see the woman I used to be and I pity her. I feel sorry for her. But now I’m proud of her. She had the strength to leave her abusive situation and take her 3 children with her to safety.

It was very scary being a single mom. Hard, in fact. I lost our car, our apartment. I had to learn to care for myself and my children ALONE! I had no one to help me. I had no one there to tell me it was all going to be ok! NO ONE! I had no one to help me watch my kids, feed my kids, clothe my kids, and prepare them for school and life in general.

To say I was scared, well, that’s an understatement! I had to learn to cook, to clean, to keep a job, and an apartment all on my own. I was never taught. In fact, I was so abused that it was not required of me to cook, clean, etc. in order to “keep me in check”, as he used to tell me. I never had to do any of things growing up, nor as a married person. But once I decided to leave him and protect my children from the abuse, I felt like a failure. I didn’t know how to cook, how to clean, nor how to teach my children these things.

I have to say, that being a victim of abuse, doesn’t mean it’s all water under the bridge. Sometimes that water rises and those feelings of loneliness, depression and failure comes rushing up on me like a tidal wave.  I just have to step back and re-evaluate where I am today, where I want to go.  You can too.

So, where are you at now? Where do you want to be? How can you get there?  Do you have someone to help you? If so, take it! If not, I’m here! Reach out to someone. You will never know if they care or not if you don’t ask.

I had no family close by me to get help, I didn’t know that there are places to go to get help. There is you know.

Try the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or go to their website at www.thehotline.org  I’m sure you can find others close to you in your area too.

Don’t wait until it’s too late. Get out now, get help.

LIVE. LOVE. LAUGH. (in Peace)

Love you much!

Lou-Ellen


About Lou

I am the light to brighten the way. Come on in and let's talk any day. I'm here to lend a shoulder or an ear. One can always leave me messages on here.
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