I did research about suicide, both online and biblical. Before I go into it further, I want you to know that I have not lost a loved one to suicide. I will never be able to say I understand, because as much as I try and want to, I won’t be able to fully understand. I can say that I sympathize and empathize with you. I can be there for you so if you EVER need to talk, text, email, whatever form you need me, I WILL BE THERE!
What I can tell you and I’m not sure who knows this, but I tried to commit suicide–let me rephrase this– I THOUGHT about committing suicide when I was a teenager. I can tell you how alone I felt, how dark I felt and how I felt I had no one to turn to or talk to.
For those of you who don’t know– I was abused growing up– you name it and it happened to me. I NEVER told a soul. I felt no one would understand or believe me. I had no friends, no one to talk to about anything. I thought that if I had killed myself that (1) I wouldn’t be lonely anymore (2) I’d no longer be in this much pain and (3) I’d be free from the horrors I was living.
I understand the darkness, the depression, the lonely feeling that you and only you KNOW what it’s like to be lonely and alone in a crowded room. I understand how difficult it is to get above the darkness sucking you in. I felt that I was alone and that no one cared.
HOW WRONG AM I!
I believe i have found a way for those who have never been depressed, seen a deep darkness inside or ever thought of committing suicide to at least try to understand it. I believe it is something we can all relate to.
But before I talk about that, I want to share the suicide hotline number for those thinking it’s better if I die. Don’t believe it! It’s not better if you die. Yes, if you die you will no longer feel lonely or pain, however you will not feel love, a hug, a kiss, the sun on your face, and OHHH so much more! But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The suicide hotline # is: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the website is: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
I’ll do my best to explain what some/most people feel/see when the darkness/depression sucks the life out of you.
Late Friday night, yes just 3 nights ago, around 8:30 pm, I felt I couldn’t take anymore! I have my oldest daughter, her husband and their 3-year-old living with us and now our youngest daughter and her 10-month-old. I was getting ready to do arts ‘n crafts on Saturday with 5 out of 6 of my grandchildren. My daughter-in-law called to say their youngest was sick and wouldn’t make it, I asked if the oldest could still come as she wasn’t sick, she was supposed to get back to me. (at this time, she had not). I had texted, and Facebook messaged my grandsons’ parents (my youngest daughters’ ex-husband and his new wife) to ensure that they would be coming too (no response). My youngest was on my bed wrapping presents while her 10-month-old was screaming and getting into everything. My oldest was helping my husband clean and wouldn’t let her daughter come in my room to play with the 10-month-old or to see me as she is fighting—ignoring—her younger sister. The tension of all that and the icing for me was when I was trying to get my new computer to work and it wasn’t working like I thought it should. The tension in the house was so thick, a knife wouldn’t have been able to cut through it. SO, I just grabbed my coat, my wallet and keys and LEFT! I had no idea where I was going or what I would do. I just knew I had to get away from it all!
I couldn’t think straight. I got in my car and drove over my grass to get away as my daughter and her husband had parked behind me. I couldn’t wait. The pressure was too much. I turned my Pandora (as I have my phone hooked up to my car) to an all Christian music station and I drove! I drove and drove and drove. Now, let me tell those of you that don’t know me, I’m bad at directions. I couldn’t tell you North from South or East from West. I just drove. I sang with the songs I knew and listened to the rest.
Some songs were:
Go Rest High on the Mountain — you may know some of the words they go—
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain.
You weren’t afraid to face the devil,
You were no stranger to the rain.
Go rest high on that mountain
Son, your work on earth is done.
Go to heaven a-shoutin’
Love for the Father and the Son.
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve.
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing.
Go rest high on that mountain
Son, your work on earth is done.
Go to heaven a-shoutin’
Love for the Father and the Son.
I had tears pouring out as I sang this one. It made me think of those who were trying to erase their pain. Honey, you can’t erase the pain. You must work through it! Call the hotline (# is above), get some help. I’ll listen if you need someone, but call!!!
Anyway, back to me singing as I’m driving. Some other songs were
- Amazing Grace
- Go tell it on the mountain
- When the roll is called up yonder
- I’ll fly away
- Down by the River
And a whole lot more!
Driving along it finally dawned on me that, not only was I speeding, but that it was foggy out! It was so foggy that even my headlights couldn’t penetrate through it! I had to slow down (and I have a lead foot, so it was very hard to do). I refused to turn around and go home as there was no peace there. I had no inner peace either. I drove for an hour, belting out songs I knew and ignoring my youngest daughter’s phone calls and text messages.
I ended up at the coast in Lincoln City. I parked at a popular beach front and watched the waves as they came and went. I even got out—took a bad dark picture at 9:30 at night. I got back in my car, bowed my head, and I prayed. I prayed for inner peace, I prayed for peace in my home, I prayed for guidance on what to say today, here and now. I mean, I really don’t know how to talk to people who have tried to commit suicide nor to the ones left behind of those that had lost loved ones to suicide.
I finally returned my daughters text, called my husband to have him take care of things while I was gone and then I realized I had to pee. I really wasn’t hungry, but I had to pee, so I stopped at DQ and ordered food and a drink. While waiting for the food, I went to the restroom. I got my order, got back in my car, and sat there. I had no idea where I was headed or what I was going to do, but I started up the car and drove.
I’m telling you I felt that I was not alone. I felt that GOD was there, and he was telling me to explain this experience to those that wouldn’t understand to help them understand why people think or try to commit suicide. So, I started paying attention to what was going on around me. This is how I envision the deep darkness of sadness and depression to be:
Like a thick fog that even my headlights couldn’t break through. High beams from on-coming cars was blinding, making me go slow, knowing I had to keep driving forward, or crawling as it seemed in some darker areas. There were patches of clarity where the fog was lifted but it was short-lived when the fog rolled in again with longer stretches of darkness.
With cars coming at me, I’d slow down, some had their bright lights on and it felt blinding, so I had to look away. I could see lights, feel the pull to go towards those lights, pretty much like having my food in the seat next to me but feeling if I looked away from the road even for a moment that I’d crash and not be able to get out of it. So, I stayed in my lane and continued driving.
To me, the fog represents the darkness the depression that people feel/see. The small gaps of clarity is when we know there is hope, until the fog or darkness creeps up again. SO there are days when we are happy, go lucky and all of that; until the fog or depression comes and we sit and hope it goes away. Feeling that there is no hope, no way out, that there will never be anything good again. WRONG! You DO have options, you DO! I promise! You may not be able to see it right now due to the darkness creeping in and depression taking hold, but it’s there! LISTEN:
In Isaiah 41:10 the bible says this:
So, do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Let’s break this down:
DO NOT FEAR– This verse is so simple in its meaning, and it offers great comfort to those going through difficult times. It is addressed primarily to the exiled Jews during their long captivity in Babylon, but the realization is that we who are the Lord’s people have nothing to fear. This is truly addressed to all His people everywhere today in similar circumstances and it is as true today as it was then…those who belong to the Lord have nothing to fear.
FOR I AM WITH YOU – This is the reason why we should not be afraid. God was their protector (and He is certainly ours).
DO NOT BE DISMAYED –The sense here is that we should remain calm and have no fear of our foes.
FOR I AM YOUR GOD – The Lord is able to preserve and strengthen us during our most difficult trials. The God of heaven is our God.
I WILL UPHOLD YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS HAND– The right hand speaks of strength (I believe it is because Jesus sits on the Right-hand side of GOD). The Lord sustains us by His own strength. We cannot hold ourselves up; our valuable friends cannot hold us up.
I could talk of the stories I had heard where people had committed suicide and left loved ones behind. The ones left behind are always wondering why? Why would they want to die? What was so bad that they had to end their life? Then questions like: What could I have done to help? I should have been able to see the signs, to know they needed me.
Suicide is not a mental illness in itself, but a serious potential consequence of treatable mental disorders that include major depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, substance use disorders, and anxiety disorders.
Some signs, but not all, could be:
- Excessive sadness or moodiness
- Sleep problems
- Sudden calmness
- Changes in personality and/or appearance
- Dangerous or self-harmful behavior
- Recent trauma or life crisis
- Threatening suicide
However, not everyone who is considering suicide will say so, and not everyone who threatens suicide will follow through with it. Every threat of suicide should be taken seriously.
Suicide can’t be prevented with certainty, but risks can often be reduced with timely intervention. Research suggests that the best way to prevent suicide is to know the risk factors, be alert to the signs of depression and other mental disorders, recognize the warning signs for suicide, and intervene before the person can complete the process of self-destruction.
If you are considering committing suicide because the darkness is sucking you dry, because there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of your tunnel, please, I beg of you, reach out and talk to someone. Either at the hotline, a family member or friend, Heck even me! But please find someone to talk to you.
I’ve talked with a woman who’s 17- or 18-year-old daughter attempted suicide. Thank GOD her cat saved her! Her mom was devastated and could hardly function at work. I was surprised to even see her there after what I heard!
A couple of other women were talking to me about suicide. One lost her sister-in-law and another woman told me that she fights it daily. She said that some days are easier than others. She even said she is worried about her daughter. Yes, she is married with children and she not only fights it personally herself, now she must worry about her daughter! HOW HARD that must be on her!
Suicide is not new. It’s been around long before you or I was born much less thought of. The Bible talks of it too in 2 Samuel 17:23 “When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order than hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb.” – this is because he wanted to do a sneak attack on David and kill him, however, the priests were told to tell David of this, so Ahithophel knew that David would kill him, therefore, he killed himself.
Not saying what he did was right or wrong, but the Bible clearly talks of suicide way back when.
I was 18 when I got married and 6 months pregnant. From the time we married until the time I finally had enough and left him, he abused me; physically, emotionally, verbally, etc. He had me so convinced that I was a worthless mom/person in general that I wanted to die. I thought that my children would be better off without me. After all, my own husband (ex now) said so, it must be true, right? He would tell me that since I didn’t know how to cook or clean (he did everything) that I’m worthless, no good, etc.
Did I tell anyone? NO! I was afraid that he was right. I went from my mothers home where I had no chores to being his wife and I had no chores. I didn’t know how to cook, clean, laundry, nothing. I barely knew how to take care of my own children. So, my thought was that my children would be better off without me. Well, as you can see, I didn’t. I’m still here. However, had someone not said something to me about no one would love my children more than me, I probably would have. Lord knows my ex said to enough times.
Who knows that life brings, it changes daily. God has plans for all of his creations. Which is probably why I’m here today. No one but God knows. He even says so in the Bible:
In Jeremiah 29:11 he says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
It even goes on to say that if we SEEK HIM that HE will bring us back from captivity.
That in itself is a blessing. Captivity can mean many things. Being held captive in an abusive relationship, your own mind, etc.
I want you to know that you are NOT ALONE! Even I go through bouts of deep sadness or depression. Remember on Friday when I was driving, it’s like having fog so thick in your head surrounding you making you think that no one cares, no one will listen, no one will believe you anyway, etc. IT LIES!
I WILL BE THERE! GOD IS THERE! And if you ask someone, I’m sure they will be there with you too. Psalm 46:1 says: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” HE is always there! In John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me.” HERE IS OUR LIGHT! Jesus!
Listen to this verse: 1 John 4:1 “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” This tells me that the lies you hear, you need to NOT believe them. God says to test them! Make them know that you are NOT falling for their lies! & then verse 4… “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”
The one who is IN you is GREATER than the one in the world. Do you know it’s talking of Satan and all his hate and lies? Well, it is. Don’t listen to lies! These are your sadness, depression, anxiety, etc that all come from these false prophets or evil spirits that try to convince us that we shouldn’t live. But DON’T LISTEN! It’s NOT TRUE!
Here is another verse. Psalm 34:18-19
18 The Lord is close to the broken-hearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
I know I’ve been quoting a lot of scriptures and I plan on giving more because I am a believer in a higher power, a higher being, I believe in God and his son Jesus Christ and that they can save you from yourself—if you want saving that is.
I know that deep sadness and depression is very hard to NOT let it consume you. It’s easy to just let go, give in to it and be done will life itself. But don’t do it. There is a light, I swear, his name is Jesus Christ and he came to earth to sacrifice his life for your life. It says it in John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Now, I don’t know about you… but I won’t sacrifice my son for anyone! Not even myself! But that’s because I’m human and don’t have to. God sacrificed his son for all of us to live. How amazing is that?! Time to sing Amazing Grace, right! OK, you really don’t want to hear me sing! But it’s truly a gift that God has given us. A miracle.
Did you know that 45% of suicides reported are 24 years of age and younger? Oregon is now considered the 16th highest youth suicide rate in the nation, according to the 2015 reports.
But what about the families left behind those that have committed suicide? What questions or concerns are you leaving behind?
People from all around the world, in every nation, ethnicity, has had suicidal thoughts from one point in their life or another and for many different reasons. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. It’s like comparing oranges to bananas or NY to Oregon. They are different! And it’s ok to be different.
If the darkness is taking its toll on your, or someone you know, and you or they are thinking of committing suicide will you please call the hotline or go to the website and reach out and get help?
Please say this prayer and mean it! God is listening. I’m here also if you need someone to reach out to. Email, text, phone call; I’m here.
The darkness has taken hold me and I can’t find my way back to the light. In this moment, ending it all seems like the best option, the only option, the only way to escape. Yet, there is something in me that wants your light to snuff out the darkness. So I ask, Lord, that you would do just that. You are the only light that can shine in the darkness.
I know when I’m consumed with thoughts of death I’m believing lies from the enemy. I ask Lord that you would remind me of these truths: when I feel alone, you are with me; when I feel invisible, you see me; when I feel worthless, my value is knowing you and being known by you.
Lord, help me to understand that you are enough, because you are everything I need and more. Remind me that when I feel hopeless, you have hope in me and for me. Remind me that when I don’t have the words to cry out to you, your son Jesus is praying for me, and your Spirit intercedes for me with groanings too deep for words. Let this remind me that I am seen, heard and deeply loved.
I often feel out of place in this world. I don’t fit in and I’m not sure I want to. Remind me that this world is not my home and while, as your child, I will never fit in here, my time here isn’t over. Not yet. Please, give me the desire to live.
When I feel like I don’t matter, remind me that I was created with purpose. When I don’t know or understand why I feel the way I feel – remind me that you know the depth of pain in my heart, in my body and in my being. You know me better than I know myself… and yet you still love me.
When I feel like my death would go unnoticed because my life seems to go by uncelebrated, remind me that you celebrate me and that you hurt for me when I’m in this dark place. Remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am worth more than I know. Remind me that this life is not mine to take. Remind me that suicide is not the only option. Remind me to love you and to love myself.
As I say these words I know in my heart that you love me and I feel incredible guilt for wanting to take the life you gave me. I feel embarrassed to admit these thoughts to you. I feel overwhelmed that you know these thoughts without my even saying them, and yet you still love me. Remind me that Jesus did not come to earth and die for me so that I could live a defeated life. Help me to desire life and to live fully in you.
In Jesus precious name, Amen.