Domestic Violence

Perception vs truth

I have told you stuff in confidence. I always thought you believed me. I never thought you thought of me as a fool or nuts or that I told untruths. It really hurts to find out that this is how you really feel.

I have never lied to you. I never told you things that weren’t true. I may not have told you everything, but I never lied. I want you to know that the things I have kept from you was to ensure your safety or happiness. I never meant for you to be hurt.

I tried to keep your memories untarnished with the truth. What good would that do? None! I had to live it, still do. But I never thought you’d treat me unkind.

There are things that one cannot make up.  How can one make it believable? The truth is normally unbelievable as it is.

There are things I did and I’m not proud of, but protecting you, that was and still is important to me. You may not know this, but when you were a teenager, my (ex) husband wanted to sleep with you. I kicked you out to protect you. What I should have done is left him! I should never have stayed with him, even if I did have his children. But I was weak. I was scared. I have never been alone. I have always been told that I NEEDED him as no one else would love me. We all want love, I did (and still do). But I was wrong in kicking you out without telling you the real reason behind it. I never wanted you hurt. I did everything I could to protect you. I hope one day you will see that.

I have always said that my perception of what happened to me is my perception. Is it the truth? It is for me. Can you confirm or deny the truth? No. No one can. There are few people alive that can either confirm or deny what had happened to me.

For years, I thought that it was all made it, that it happened to someone else. Then I was counseled. The counseling I was in was to improve my work, not my personal life or to awaken things in my past best left alone. NO, that was NEVER the intention!

Yet, I find myself here today a self-published author of a book based on my perceptions of what had happened to me. These are my truths as I remember them. If bad things happened to me and I hid them for years, it was my way of protecting myself. Now I found a way of healing, you found out about it and now you think I lied.

I was asked, how would you feel? If your loved one was accused of hurting someone, how would you feel? Would you stand by your brother, father, sister, mother, uncle, cousin, aunt, grandpa? Would you accuse the other person of hurtful things? Boy, I hope not! I hope you would stand for the truth. Even if you loved your loved ones. I hope you stand for the truth!  I’m not asking you to forget the ones you loved or to tarnish the memories you have of them, but what about the victim? Should the victim continue to suffer, to be “the black sheep” of the family because you think they lied? Shouldn’t that be more of a conviction to stay close to them to “help” them if you think they need it?

There is more than one side to every story. Hurting the victim is not the way to get to the truth. But, what if you can’t find out the truth? Do you still hurt the accuser? Do you hate your loved one for hurting the accused? NO! You keep your memories–both good and bad! You help the accuser-if you can. Stand in your truth, stand in your light. Don’t hurt others. Don’t accuse them of lying, especially if you have not walked in their shoes, or been there when the incident happened.

I know of someone who is going through a really bad time right now. She has a young son. I will not mention names, but her ex-boyfriend had her so convinced that he loved her and no one else would that she believed all of his lies, and took his abuse. So much so that when he cheated on her, she was still in denial. Time and time again, she would leave him, only to return. Now she has a son, about a year old, and she finally had her eyes opened to what he was doing to her. She left. Her mom, my friend, tried to help her. I told her to back off. You see, when someone has been abused, they cannot see straight, nor hear correctly. No matter if you think you are helping them or not. Telling them that they are better off without him, is not the answer. You have to let them make their own decisions, be there for them, but let them make decisions.  If they ask you your opinion, then give it in a nonchalant way. She is doing better now, has a job and seems to be happier. She and her mom are getting along so much better now.

She now has her ex’s family calling her a liar, a cheat, and so many more things. They refuse to see their loved one in any light but this pedestal they have him on.  Even though he was convicted, they still believe him to be innocent and the victim.

So, who’s right? The young woman with the one-year-old son, the ex in jail, or his family? Well, in their own right, they are all right. They don’t want to believe this man could do what she said he did. She had the proof on her side, this time. But they can’t remove the rose-colored glasses to see him for the monster she says he is.  And that’s ok, for them. It’s not ok for them to hurt her and her one-year-old son, verbally. It’s NOT right!

But it’s life. Life isn’t always about right or wrong. It’s also about perception and truth. My perception of her driving fast and reckless may not be the truth, but it’s my truth. Her driving fast and reckless was not seen by her as she was so scared that her husband had died on the way to the hospital so she was not emotionally in the car driving. That’s her truth. Did I see her truth? No. How could I have known?

My Perception is my truth. Your perception is your truth. But does that give us the right to hurt or accuse others?

What do you think on this matter?