Miscellaneous

How to help a victim leave the abuser

Do you know someone who is in an abusive relationship? Have you tried talking them into leaving their abuser?  Does the conversation put a strain on your relationship?

 

WELL STOP IT!

 

 

Most victims feel very alone, like they have no one to turn to, no one to believe them. They feel that their abuser will hurt them, their children, animals if they told another living soul of what goes on inside their four walls.

 

You can’t tell someone that the person is an abuser, nor can you tell them that they are in an unhealthy relationship. They are obviously in a very fragile place right now. They may need a shoulder or even an ear but no advice, especially if YOU have never lived through abuse.

 

Abusers have, in some way/shape/form, made their partner dependent on them, and only them.   The abused has little to no self-esteem and beating an old horse isn’t the answer either.

 

What is the answer? How can you help them?

 

There is no answer, except to be there for them.  If, and I mean IF, they ask you for help, be ready. Make a list of the closest safe houses around for them. If necessary, find a counselor/attorney, or have the forms ready yourself, depending on what’s needed.

 

You can’t force someone to see your side. You must be patient, be open, be kind, be gentle and most importantly, be loving.

 

Some facts:

 

  • Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.
  • Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, income or other factors.
  • Women and MEN can be victims of domestic violence.
  • Men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults in the USA
  • 1 in 4 woman will experience domestic violence during her lifetime.
  • NO VICTIM IS TO BLAME FOR ANY OCCURRENCE OF DOMESTIC ABUSE OR VIOLENCE.

 

MOST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INCIDENTS ARE “NEVER” REPORTED!

 

You can help by finding a local counseling center close to you or them.

Example: In Salem, Oregon there are:

1)    Marion County Counseling

2)    Domestic Violence Victim Services at DHS (500 Summer St NE Salem)

3)    City of Salem-Domestic Violence

 

There are more just google Domestic Violence in your city/state.

 

 

Help them by giving them positive reinforcement, verbally. Tell them how much they mean to you. How kind, loving, wonderful (whatever the attributes are), tell THEM!

We need to get rid of the negative effect that the abuser has been or still is telling them. Respect them if they choose to stay. They may be scared of what is outside their home, maybe the abuser put it in their head, maybe it’s their own doing, whatever the reason, RESPECT their choice.

 

Listen! Just Listen. Tell them you believe them. Ask them what they want. Give them positive verbiage. (Remember, the abuser may be tearing down their worth, their self-esteem, and their confidence.)

 

Remember, do your research, find all the domestic violence centers in your or their areas that you can. Phone numbers, counselors, whatever they may need, have it ready for when they are ready and in need of it!

 

I was abused. My ex-husband had me so worn down, so worried that I’d never amount to anything without him that I stayed for 13 ½ years! I was told by many family and friends that he was worthless, a jerk and so much more. When I said something to my (then) husband, he said they were just trying to tear us apart. I believed him. He told me that no one would love me like he did. No one would love our children, like he did. No one would want me, a fat middle aged woman with 3 half grown children, like he did. Then he’d hit me for being with them. I lost many a friend over him.

 

It took him hurting our son, physically, before I left. He could hit me all he wanted, but I wasn’t going to let him lay a hand on my children! I left, I divorced him; and at the time I was going through the divorce, I purchased some books at my local Christian book store to help me out: How to raise children as a single parent, what to expect before and after marriage, and the 5 languages of love.

 

I then realized, that not only was I being abused, but so were my children.   I was alone when I left my husband. No family, no friends. I started from scratch.

 

I’m here to tell you, it can happen. A victim can leave, if/when they are ready, and not before. Please be patient, kind and loving.