Driving to work one morning the fog was thick and heavy. It was hard to see much less drive in it. It was very similar to my head and heart.
I am a Domestic Violence (DV) survivor. I am no longer a victim. But that doesn’t stop me from having issues. I’m not perfect and I really don’t have all the answers. I am still working on my insecurities. There are times, few and far between, that I doubt myself. I ask myself if I’m worthy, loveable enough. The days I sink real low, like this day I even ask myself, am I pretty? Sometimes I even think I could just evaporate in thin air and no one would care of know.
Oh I know. I really do. But being a DV survivor I still have doubts. They don’t stop from coming. It’s all in how I handle the doubt. I let the doubt come and then SWIPE it out by saying that I am loveable! I am worthy! I am pretty! I am kind! I AM!
I can’t help you. Only you can help you. Only you can make the difficult decisions. YOU know the hard core truth. You do! You also KNOW what you need to do and how best to handle it. You may not WANT to know, but you do. You may be scared to know, but you still know, just the same.
Being scared is ok. It’s not taking the action you need to take to protect yourself and your children that is NOT ok. You have to put YOU first in order to save yourself. If you have children, then you need to put YOU first in order to save you AND your children. Do you want your kids to grow up being abused or abusing others?
I don’t! My kids or grandkids may marry your kids. I don’t want them having the same issues I go through or that you go through.
Don’t feel ashamed or even worry of who will judge you. We are all human. We all make mistakes. It’s learning from those mistakes that make it so much better for us and those around us. I know it’s hard, but it’s true. I’m imperfect, you’re imperfect, and those around us are all imperfect. Otherwise, why would GOD have sent his son Jesus to die for our sins?
Now I know/understand how difficult change is. Been there, done that. But you need to do what is best. YOU. You can’t listen to people who do not know or even understand what you are going through, how you are feeling or why. It’s not easy to leave a DV home. I know! It’s scary.
I was afraid he’d kill me or our children. Thank GOD it didn’t turn out that way, but it could have. I was afraid to leave as I was told I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to make it on my own without someone. I was afraid to leave because he said no one would love me as I was fat (300 lbs) and had 3 half grown kids! I was afraid to leave, PERIOD. All the negative in the world, all the scary things you hear or see, makes it scarier to leave the known for the unknown. I KNOW!
But with help, guidance, friends, family; you can do it. You can do anything you put your mind to, if you want it bad enough.
Do you want it bad enough?
Did you know that if you talked about your situation that SOMEONE may have answers or be in a position to understand and help? It might be a co-worker, a neighbor, a friend, maybe even a family member who never talked about it either.
No matter who you tell, no matter how they react, keep talking! SHOUT! If you have to. But get it out there so that it stops. YOU have to protect you in order to protect your children (if you have any) and any future kids and or grandchildren.
Find a local community center or a non-profit agency who deals with DV survivors. Call your local county sheriff’s office or google what you are in need of.
Don’t be alone. You don’t need to be alone. It’s not good to be alone. Find help, if you want it.
I did! You can too!