Miscellaneous

Have you ever felt alone or no longer needed/wanted?

Have you ever felt alone or no longer needed/wanted?

I have. I call it the “darkness” or the “evil” coming to claim me. I have to fight it all the time. It’s hard to explain to people how you feel, when at times, you can’t explain it yourself.

I am a wife, mother of 3 and Mamie (grandma) of 4. I should be the happiest woman alive. For the most part, I am. BUT there are times… Times when the “darkness” overshadows my family, friends, and/or myself.

I have a full time job and I put on this facade that all is great and wonderful and nothing will keep me down. Then I leave work, go home and just… well, lack of a better word, I mope around. I don’t clean, I don’t do much of anything but make dinner, put it away-after a fashion, eat, and watch TV. I play games on my phone-like word chums, words, wordfeud and forest rescue. It’s all I really do. Work then home. Then work, then home. Bills get paid and then we are broke again.

Now I’m not complaining about the money, or at least not a lot, but it would be nice to have friends that I can go out with whether it’s to yard sales, lunches, whatnots. I’m thankful that my husband and I have jobs to pay our mortgage payments, to pay our truck payment, to pay our regular bills, and to eat. I just wish…

Then there is the feeling that I’m no longer needed/wanted. I’m a 46 year old woman who has “love handles”. Ok I’m fat! Not as fat as I once was, but I’m still fat. I have extra skin from the loss of the weight that makes me look, well, YUCKY! Who the hell in their right mind would want to bed me? Not me! lol. My husband and I aren’t as intimate as I’d like.. but it is what it is. Oh I know he loves me. He tells me every day.   My children love me, I know they do. But I’m no longer needed by any of them. Our oldest daughter calls to ask me questions on how to raise her 9 month old daughter. I tell her, she is your daughter, what do you want to do? She says I’m her mom and I raised her so she wanted my opinion. That’s so sweet! And you know, she seems to know when the “evil” comes because that is when she calls. lol.   Our son, middle child, he’s married with 2 beautiful little girls himself. He doesn’t call me. It’s ok. He’s married now. She probably calls her mom, as it should be. At least I get to see his children now. There was a time, almost 2  years, that I hadn’t seen them more than a few times a year. Now it seems weekly! lol.  Then there is our youngest, daughter. She has our oldest grandbaby, my grandson, my bambino. He has my heart. I love that boy so much. He’s our first grandchild and our only grandson. He’s the first one to ever call me Mamie! šŸ™‚   He’s 4 now. He sees me and runs and yells my name. We have a little secret… I tell him that Mamie loves him bestest. He now says it back to me, then whispers, don’t tell momma.  Our youngest daughter is the one that isn’t as stable in her life as I wish she could be. And as she keeps reminding me, it’s her life. Unfortunately, it’s his life too that she is either hurting or helping.  And I feel that she takes advantage of my kindness and doesn’t do what she says she will. Her word really means nothing to me anymore.

I don’t hear much from my grown kids, and it’s as it should be. They are adults, have their own lives. They don’t need me. My husband doesn’t need me either.

I’m a physical person. I need hugs, holding of hands, some kind of touching. It doesn’t have to be sexual. Just touch me. Because if I don’t get that…

EVIL and DARKNESS reside in me then. Then I’m over sensitive, over emotional and I have a hard time stopping those thoughts. The dark thoughts. The evil thoughts.

What about you? Have you ever felt alone? No longer needed/wanted? What do you do?

Me, I write poems. I wrote a book and I’m in the process of writing another one. I have so many ideas running around in my head that I can’t get them down fast enough before another comes and takes over.  A friend gave me a recorder, thank GOD TOO! It’s been a help to record all those thoughts.

Never be alone. “They” will only get worse, not better. Call or text someone. Heck, find me on here and email me! Don’t be alone.

I am a firm believer that EVERYONE is put on this earth for a purpose. Do you know what yours is? I’m still learning mine. I think and believe it’s to help people. Keeping the darkness and evil at bay.

So please, you are WORTHY! You are BEAUTIFUL! You are LOVED! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Someone, somewhere NEEDS/WANTS you! FIND them!

My 2 dogs and 2 cats never stop bugging me! They give me unconditional love. Find that unconditional love for yourself. Human or animal. Find it. Keep it! Return it! You must give in order to receive.

Be safe everyone. But most importantly, be true to yourself, be happy with yourself before adding someone to it.

May Peace and Love be with you.

Lou-Ellen